:: and this i know ::

I have made a few friends of mine laugh when I have said that I was done with this year, especially considering that it is now technically the first day of the third month. However, it is true. I am just done.

I am not going to lie, I have had tough years before, ones where I have suffered huge loss, both emotionally and physically, but I knew, I knew that things would have to look up, get better. For some reason, there is so few moments of looking up these days that I just feel exhausted.

To begin:

In early January I find out that my car has been hit when I return to it after running a few errands. Luckily it is on the passenger side, however with no insurance information on the person who was driving, nor information on said driver (note, what note?), it is up to me to pay for the damages caused. Given the extent, I will have to come up with the deductible, or close to it if I do not report it to the insurance company. Of course if I do not report it and somehow manage to come up with the money, I will have to find another car to borrow to drive while the work is being done.

While at work I get the phone call that no one ever wants to receive. While I am unfortunately familiar with death, I was unfamiliar with it being caused to oneself. The last time I saw him was wonderful. Just an afternoon hanging out, the first one since his return from his stint in the Army. He was enlisted longer than any of us thought, mainly due to his succeeding at the job, rising through the ranks only to find himself lost when he got home. He surprised me with gifts, little things that he picked up during his travels overseas. When I expressed the shock that he thought of me, he made a face, saying that he brought back little things for his family. I have blood relatives that give me no consideration and yet here was someone that I knew thinking of me as family, who made a point through the years he was serving to reach out when he heard that things were not great, apologizing if his receiving news that was a bit old.

February began with saying goodbye at the funeral. It was beautiful, one that completely honored him, a chance for all that he touched to gather at the beach, some of us watching from afar as others went in the water for a paddle out in his honor.

The day after this was the discovery of the loss of a filling. No way is this equal to the loss of a life, but the pain and discomfort was something I had to live with for a few days as it was lost on a Sunday, with the dentist’s office being closed Monday and the dentist being at a conference on Tuesday. When I finally made it in on Wednesday I found that part of the reason why I was so miserable was due to my being wrong. I did not lose a filling, I lost two.

This was followed by a call from the dentist’s office. It seems that my insurance company was claiming that I no longer had a policy with them. After days of back and forth, I finally cleared time to be on hold with them for a few hours. It was then that I was told that due to clerical error, they neglected to transfer over my dental policy when they moved me to the new plan. Yes, I was placed in a new medical plan at the beginning of the year because of the 2014 health care reforms, a placement that was to transfer over everything, but . . . yeah. So I am to find time in a few weeks to be on hold again if they do not send me the new information and membership cards that they swore they would be sending. Then I can get in touch with the dentist’s office to let them know that they can re-bill for work done since they were going to cover any charges from the beginning of the year on.

In the middle of the go-between with the insurance company I found my car being hit again. This time I was there, and could easily obtain the information on the driver. How easily? I can take a few steps to her front door. You see, we have a rather long driveway that we share with the neighbors on the property. It seems that in her rush to bring the surprise birthday gifts that she had for her mother, one of my neighbors drove quickly down said driveway, right into my car that I was sitting in as I was about to leave for work. There was no damage done to my bumper, other than a white mark that I removed with one quick wipe of my hand. As for her new car? Crack in the hood that she has to repair.

Yesterday morning was spent at the dentist. Luckily I have been going there so long that they let me keep my cleaning check-up appointment, and will bill once I have the information on my new insurance plan. Also taking place yesterday? The tax drop-off appointment where I brought in my paperwork, forms and various receipts that the CPA will hopefully be able to decipher in a manner that will involve my getting some money back.

Last night was a time of rest for me, feeling at peace at last. A peace that was destroyed this morning with the news that while I was feeling relief at making it through the end of the month without another accident, without a headache, the World’s Best Pup was breathing his last breath.

Hudson, the one who kept me sane at work, who kept me company, who knew when I needed a bit of attention, a bit of love. Who forced me into taking breaks that I did not realize I needed, who wanted nothing more than to catch a tennis ball, eat and be a part of everything going on, was found to be suffering from internal bleeding. Cancer, with an expectation of living an additional 4 months if he survived not only the removal of his spleen, but also the chemo that he would have to have. For a Golden Retriever of 12-1/2 years, this was too much to expect him to survive. The tough decision had to be made, one that was actually the best for him, and the hardest for all that love him.

On top of it all? Next week will end at the funeral for the Mother of my Mom’s best friend. A friend that is more of a relative to me than all but one person on her side of my family.

This is not a cry for help, nor is it admitting depression. This is just my owning the fact that this is a really shitty year so far.

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I spent this afternoon not tackling the pile of receipts beside my laptop as previously planned.

I knew that I had a few things that I wanted to accomplish during my last day off before the hellidays take over my life, things such as head to buy office supplies, take out trash, deal with recycling – all the things that one tries to postpone for as long as possible.  By the time I sat down with the remote in hand I figured that I had nothing else to use as an excuse, which lead to my turning on the TV and finally settling on the unexpected distraction of my day.  The distraction?  Why Did I Get Married?

While I am able to have the TV on as distraction as I find it easier to ignore than a podcast, finding myself sucked into a Tyler Perry movie was completely unexpected.  I actually sent a text to a friend of mine that read:

HELP!  I am sucked into this Tyler Perry movie!  Like to the point of wanting to know what is going to happen!

After finding out which movie I was enthralled with, I was informed by my friend (who I correctly guessed had seen the film due to Ms. Jackson’s role) that there is a sequel.  I admit to scoffing to myself, wondering why on earth I would care about a sequel.  Well guess what has been added to the good old Netflix queue?  Actually, guess what three release releases have been added?

Why Did I Get Married?:  Added to see what I missed as the version I watched today was a TV edit.

Why Did I Get Married Too?:  Yes, I am invested to the point of needing to know what is going on with the characters.  BTW: I need to be friends with the character “Angela.”

Why Did I Get Married?:  I was not aware that the first film was actually based on Tyler Perry’s play of the same name until I did the Netflix search of the same title.  It seems that there was a filmed staging that was released on DVD, a filmed version that now has a place in the queue.

As I write, the receipts sit beside me, as even they realize that they will go untouched for the rest of the day.

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It seems oddly appropriate that I am sitting at home today, on the final day of NaBloPoMo. To me this whole exercise has been a way to unwind, a way to reflect and, most importantly, to spend time away from running around to stop and write. Why is it appropriate that I am home today to write then?

I realized earlier today that this is the first weekend that was not filled with plans or errands leading up to forthcoming plans. I honestly have not had a weekend which was spent doing nothing since the summer. I’ve been lucky enough to be invited out of town for a couple of weekend trips, I’ve also been honored with invites to various parties, one of which involved my having to spend a weekend searching for a costume. There were a few birthday celebrations for myself that friends surprised me with, as well as a night honoring my parents’ anniversary.

What does this all mean, other than I really needed this one weekend with nothing to do? It means that even with so much going on, both in terms of pleasure and pain, I have made the time and effort to post each day. Even those days in which posts were made using the scheduling feature involved my observing things around me to see if I could find something that could inspire a future post.

What I am finding is that there are no excuses for neglecting making future posts. Before I would say that there is no time. Now I know this is not the case. If I decide to not post it will be due to choice. After all, even I can admit that some of these ramblings this past month were made just to mark the daily post off the list. Now I do not feel that pressure – I can post whenever I feel the need. In fact, in continuing, which I feel as though I will do, I have a feeling that any posts that are made may have a bit more substance.

In the meantime, I am off to enjoy another cup of tea. Some may call it a celebratory cup, but I call it feeding the addiction.

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1. I truly do like to write. I find enjoyment in sitting down and teaching myself that watching TV is not the only way to unwind at the end of the day. Then again, the TV is usually on while I write.

2. It does become difficult to write something everyday. There are certain entries that are possibly going to be made private due to my being embarrassed by them – not by the topic, but the fact that I was grasping to find anything to write on that particular day.

3. I am observing more, thinking more about what I am going to write about instead of what I am going to eat later that day. Truth be told, I do think about food as well, especially cake.

4. While difficult, blogging is not as hard as I had been telling myself it is as a way to block myself from just sitting and writing. I do know that I was finding any excuse to NOT write, and this challenge made me face the excuses I had been making.

5. I hope that I will continue to blog, although not on a daily schedule. If I am lucky, I will find a common theme to write about so that this is something worth sharing.

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I am a TV junkie. I have no problem admitting this fact. I find that it is greatest way for me to unwind after dealing with traffic: just sit back and watch fictional characters deal with their problems. I look forward to certain shows, and do get upset when dealing with scheduled hiatuses for holiday programming. I also have no problem watching the older shows over and over in repeats, nor with repeated viewing of newer shows (thanks On Demand!).

It is because of this honesty of being a TV junkie that some people make assumptions on what they feel I should be watching. I do not watch based on what is deemed as must see, I watch for reasons as varied as the genre, recommendations from some friends or even because of certain actors / characters being on the show. In fact, I watched Law & Order: Special Victims Unit due to Richard Belzer’s character John Munch being carried over from Homicide: Life on the Street (one of my favorite shows).

Still, some people have problems believing that I did/do not watch the following:

Game of Thrones
The Walking Dead
CSI
99.8% of reality programming
Vampire Diaries
True Blood

Of the above, I am most offended by the reality programming surprise. When I counter that while I do not watch the Basketball Housewives wrangle their multiple children as part of a cooking competition but do watch a show titled Ex-Wives of Rock featuring exes of “hair band” musicians, I have to admit to being amused by the look of disgust on faces. I guess it is ok to watch competitions than watch people I used to see in magazines I read while in high school?

All I can say is that while the above does not interest me at this time, there is no telling if I will go back and attempt to watch at a later date. After all, I only saw Buffy the Vampire Slayer a few years back – and I loved that show. Who knows, maybe one day I will try to watch The Sopranos again (I only got half-way through). Then again, if there is a Friday Night Lights marathon on, I’m going to have to cheer on the Dillon Panthers.

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This is not my first experience blogging. I had a Live Journal account that I used for a few years, something that I did enjoy very much. Technically I should write that I have a Live Journal account as it still exists however its basic function these days is as an archive.

Thinking about it now, I could have easily just participated in the challenge using that Live Journal account, as I would not have had to struggle with any errors in the site set-up, nor would I have to worry about its discovery. I do admit that one of the things that I loved about my LJ was that it was only read by those that I allowed thanks to having friend only posts. A major reason I have not shared the link for this blog is because I did not want to be hindered by some people possibly getting offended by things that I have written – a sentiment I share with Melissa. I never had that problem with LJ as I was able to make public only those entries that I felt fine with sharing with the masses. Yet for some reason I decided to finally make use of one of my URLs to set up this blog.

Actually, one thing I have been thinking about is where I am left after this month. As mentioned a few days ago, I do enjoy the release that these entries allow. It does not feel as though it is a loathed job, being done only because I am responsible for it, but rather it feels good to have a place to ramble that is not a message to a friend, or limited to 140 characters. I hope that I will continue to write, not necessarily on a daily basis, but to write in general. I have also considered moving some of my old LJ entries here to this site, backdated (of course) to the date that I originally wrote. I am also considering asking if I can repost a few pieces I wrote for Life on the Scene with a link to each post made back to the original site.

Who knows though. With my luck this will go ignored due to the headaches and “have-tos” associated with the holidays. This is not the goal, but the reality of how the holidays tend to go in my life – they take over what I want to do with what others feel I need to do.

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It was about 5 minutes ago that I realized that I needed to make my daily post. This was followed by a quick glance at the calendar which informed me that I am basically at the halfway point of NaBloPoMo. Before the glance I was wondering what I would write about, but now? Now I think I know.

As mentioned before, I turned to NaBloPoMo as I did want to return to writing, but knew that I did not have a novel in me to participate in NaNoWriMo. While I have had some thoughts about ideas for a story, there has not been the excitement that I experience when attempting to think of topics for the daily blog. This is where I feel NaBloPoMo is a success for me: I really am enjoying setting aside the time to make these posts. In a way, it feels as though it is a guaranteed block of time for myself. Normally when I do set aside time it is spent watching the TV (either shows or movies) or reading the words of other people. Now? Now it is setting aside time to feel as though I am accomplishing something – true, it is not a cure for a disease, but it does feel good when I hit the publish button.

I also am enjoying the fact that I feel the wheels in my head turning, trying to find various things to write about that may seem interesting to anyone who stumbles across these entries. While at the soccer game today I found myself trying to observe even more than usual, attempting to see if there was anything that might inspire a post. Any conversations with friends now have me paying extra attention to lines being said in a way that I have not noticed since the unfortunately brief period where I carried a notebook to write random quotes I heard while out.

True, there are days that I struggle, attempt to find something to write about, but overall? Overall I am finding that I am usually able to blather on about when I log into the admin page of the site. The first sign of the struggle was when I was attempting a bit of catch up the first week, which lead me to use that first Friday that I participated (the 8th) as my first “5” post, 5 partially in honor of Rob Fleming and his own Top 5 lists. Well, it was this struggle to catch up along with attending a high school football game that made me decide that this was a way to get an entry for the day. When writing my backdated posts I did attempt to write something that related to that date in particular, either something realized or something that had happened. I unfortunately could not come up with anything when attempting to find something for the 1st, I had nothing other than the first football game I went to, which lead to another 5 list. Since then, I made the decision to turn Fridays into my own personal 5 post day, something continued yesterday and hopefully for the next 2 weeks. I have an idea for one of the weeks, but am lost as to the other.

There are still only a very select few that know I am doing this, which is the way I am keeping things for now. One person who has suggested 2 posts that I may actually write about knows I am doing this, but has no idea of the site’s link. If she asked I would provide it, but I am not ready to do so yet. Actually, if most were to ask directly, I would not have a problem sharing, yet for some reason I just am not ready to put it out there for all to read the random crap in my head. Unfortunately, I am just not that brave yet.

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Things that have happened to me:

1. I have been sat on while sitting in a chair at the movie theater. Twice. Both times while the lights were still up in the theater as the movie had yet to start.

2. When I was still a child I had two large plastic cups of beer spilled on my head while at a Renaissance Faire. This is largely the reason why I am not that interested in attending a Faire as an adult.

3. My appendix burst after riding Star Tours at Disneyland. At least it was a respectable ride. Can you imagine if it had happened after the Jungle Cruise?

4. I have had the power go out right before having a dental procedure.

5. I have had the unfortunate experience of walking through a stranger’s fart. Twice. Both times at off-price retailers (e.g., Ross – though this did not happen at a Ross). Each time I left immediately, loudly complaining as to the reason why I found it necessary to leave. What can I say except that I did not want to be blamed for the scent.

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I mentioned in a previous post that I had pulled a tendon when unpacking after a move. There is much more involved in the story.

After being surrounded by many boxes for a few weeks I finally decided to use my time off from work to unpack everything. Does this mean that I did it over a regular weekend? Of course not! I decided that I would put it off for the extended weekend – the Fourth of July to be exact. There are certain things I remember about that day. The most important being two rules that I will follow for the rest of my life:

1. Always have a phone within reach when doing anything remotely strenuous.
2. NEVER do anything strenuous when by yourself on the 4th of July.

You see, by the time I talked myself into tackling the boxes that I had been maneuvering around it was dark. While some areas are not zoned for fireworks, we were in a “safe & sane” city, which roughly translates to illegal fireworks allowed. By the time I started I had to put my TV on louder than normal due to the excessive noise outside. Everything was fine, boxes were being unpacked and discarded. Then came the one reach.

Instead of getting up to reach for a box I overestimated my flexibility. I knew immediately that something was wrong. Was it the fact that I had difficulty moving my leg? Was it my suddenly dropping the box I was attempting to grab? No. It was the seating pain that made me scream and start crying immediately.

I recently scared my cousin’s son by screaming at a football game. He had been complaining, saying that people were yelling too loud for him, which made me laugh. I asked him if he wanted to hear me. When he said sure, I screamed. His hands flew to his ears and the people a row in front of us (a row separated by a slight walkway for the sections) turned around. This was without my screaming in that manner in years.

On the 4th I was well “trained,” and had been going to shows on a regular basis. That night NO ONE could hear me as I screamed for help. There were people in the house with me, but it was so loud that they could not hear me. I would attempt to yell for help any chance I got, however when one loud firework would end at one house, another would begin.

I attempted to reach for my phone that was in its base. Unfortunately I was only successful in making myself cry even more because I could not move out of the position I was in on the floor.

After an hour of screaming I gave up as it was no use. I was in the middle of attempting to work through the pain of my position when I finally heard someone close to the room I was in and began to scream again, hoping I would be loud enough to be heard. No luck.

I was in that room, attempting to inch toward to phone for over 3 hours. I would yell when I could, but had no luck. It was not until someone decided to see why they had not heard from me (!) that it was discovered that I was injured. It took 2 people to pull me into a standing position, however I needed to be put on the bed as I could not stand alone.

The weekend was spent trying to recover on my own with no luck. It was not until the trip to the doctor the following Monday (thanks extended holiday weekends) that it was discovered that I had not pulled a muscle, but a tendon.

That was over a decade ago. Every few years it acts up again, not to the point of not being able to move, but I basically limp around when I walk. There are moments I am in severe pain, and within a second I am fine as if nothing were wrong. Unfortunately, as it happens so infrequently I can never remember how long it takes to “recover,” nor what worked the previous time to help.

The thing that bothers me the most? The fact that although it is suggested I rest, how can I? I need to walk, not want, but need. I wonder if this will happen more frequently the older I get. As of now, it only seems to happen when I am severe weather changes from hot to cold.

Until then if you see me limping around town, you know why.

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I have lived in this space for over 4 years now, yet I have still not completely made myself at home. I could blame this to the fact that I have things in storage, or that I am looking for the perfect statement piece. Both of these reasons would be lies.

I have not made myself completely at home because the times I have done that I have been forced to move – not due to wanting to move, but forced as in finding out that the landlords were going to have to demolish the room I was living in (not the entire house, just my room). Yes, that truly did happen to me one year.

Each time I have attempted to make myself feel completely at home, put the effort into making a space for myself that is not just thrown together in a temporary manner, something has happened requiring me to move. True, there were a few occasions where I did not settle in due to knowing that the residences were in fact temporary, but the times where I was to be a long-term resident lead to being forced to pack up whatever I could find after making myself at home.

While my current residence has furniture, of course (matching, even!), I still have very few things on the walls (only one photo is up in my bedroom – one of John Taylor & Simon LeBon). The rug is one that was just picked up quickly without much thought – which works out when I spill my tea. There are no throw pillows, no extra touches that make it feel like a home other than a few photos in frames on a table. I know, I know. I may be insane in thinking that there is a correlation between these two things – getting settled and being forced to move – but if it happens each time you cannot help but wonder.

I have attempted to change this. I have a few prints that I do want to hang up that need frames, as well as some that are already framed. However I always come up with an excuse for why I cannot put them up on the walls – everything from the not finding the right frame to not having sturdy enough nails. I have also made the excuse of pillows not matching the rug I really never liked when it was purchased.

I find myself blocking the urge to completely be at home out of fear of being forced to move again. Is it because I do not want to move forward in life? No. It is because I really hate packing. I’m too damn anal when it comes to labeling everything. I am still upset that I do not have the boxes of books in storage properly labeled or noted. Worse is the unpacking of items. I still suffer from the tendon I pulled in my leg years ago after the room demolish move when attempting to unpack bags.

If it could be guaranteed that I would not have to put up with the packing and unpacking, as well as the organization of everything in the new location I would be fine. However if it is up to me? Forget it. I can live with just seeing John & Simon on a daily basis on my wall.

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