:: and this i know ::

I have lived in this space for over 4 years now, yet I have still not completely made myself at home. I could blame this to the fact that I have things in storage, or that I am looking for the perfect statement piece. Both of these reasons would be lies.

I have not made myself completely at home because the times I have done that I have been forced to move – not due to wanting to move, but forced as in finding out that the landlords were going to have to demolish the room I was living in (not the entire house, just my room). Yes, that truly did happen to me one year.

Each time I have attempted to make myself feel completely at home, put the effort into making a space for myself that is not just thrown together in a temporary manner, something has happened requiring me to move. True, there were a few occasions where I did not settle in due to knowing that the residences were in fact temporary, but the times where I was to be a long-term resident lead to being forced to pack up whatever I could find after making myself at home.

While my current residence has furniture, of course (matching, even!), I still have very few things on the walls (only one photo is up in my bedroom – one of John Taylor & Simon LeBon). The rug is one that was just picked up quickly without much thought – which works out when I spill my tea. There are no throw pillows, no extra touches that make it feel like a home other than a few photos in frames on a table. I know, I know. I may be insane in thinking that there is a correlation between these two things – getting settled and being forced to move – but if it happens each time you cannot help but wonder.

I have attempted to change this. I have a few prints that I do want to hang up that need frames, as well as some that are already framed. However I always come up with an excuse for why I cannot put them up on the walls – everything from the not finding the right frame to not having sturdy enough nails. I have also made the excuse of pillows not matching the rug I really never liked when it was purchased.

I find myself blocking the urge to completely be at home out of fear of being forced to move again. Is it because I do not want to move forward in life? No. It is because I really hate packing. I’m too damn anal when it comes to labeling everything. I am still upset that I do not have the boxes of books in storage properly labeled or noted. Worse is the unpacking of items. I still suffer from the tendon I pulled in my leg years ago after the room demolish move when attempting to unpack bags.

If it could be guaranteed that I would not have to put up with the packing and unpacking, as well as the organization of everything in the new location I would be fine. However if it is up to me? Forget it. I can live with just seeing John & Simon on a daily basis on my wall.

In: confessions of a deep fried youth | | #