Some years back it was brought to my attention that I do not do well in large groups. I was taken aback at this observation – not that it was made, but that someone noticed what I thought was a large secret about myself. I am painfully shy.
Not to the point of refusing to leave the house, but rather in terms of having attention put upon me while in large groups. One on one I am fine. Small groups? Great, I can deal. In a large social group I am a mess, normally I find myself in a corner trying to find a way to disappear in the crowd. One of the reasons I hate opening gifts that I receive is that I do not like having people watch me, having the attention on me even for that brief period of time. Trust me, it is brief – no one can unwrap a gift as quickly as I can just to get the attention off of me and onto another person.
This is the reason why I have been slowly attempting to make myself take part in larger settings, to slowly start to talk to people I may not know. The first attempt was to attend a Halloween party being thrown by a friend of mine. I was actually surprised that I was invited – I did not think he would consider me worthy of making his invite list, but I did. Unfortunately, while I gathered the muster to approach one individual to take a photo with her in our costumes (she made an amazing Maleficent from Sleeping Beauty), I basically hung out with those individuals that I knew. I even waited for the crowd to clear around the desserts before approaching – amazing as I am the first to break into a cake if given the opportunity. I would not consider this a failure, as it was good to get to know the host a bit better, and I am forcing myself as seeing this as a way to slowly get myself into a situation wherein I would know only a few people present.
This evening I went to the birthday party / celebration of a friend of mine. I wrote it that way as it not only celebrated his big day, but also celebrated a huge work achievement that he has every right to be proud of – in fact anyone who knows him should be proud of his work on behalf of others. While it was mostly people I knew, and I did run into another person I worked with at a previous job who happened to be at the same location, there were still others there that I did not know. I wish, and am envious of, those that are able to approach strangers and start conversations out of the blue.
Luckily I had made a slight joke to someone who approached the appetizers at the same time I did, which made him laugh and would refer to it when we would happen upon each other. It made me feel good – that I could interact with another person that I had never known before. What made me feel great though was a conversation I had with another guest after I moved my chair for her comfort. I made another offhanded remark that made her laugh. After that we ended up spending a good amount of time laughing and venting with each other. I admit that I have seen her at a few birthdays and other celebrations over the past few years, but had never spoken to her before.
It is tough to force myself out there, but I am doing it again next month. Again, it is with a group of people that I largely know, but still. It is all leading to building up my confidence in a large setting. It is difficult to get out of the comfort zone, but I am trying. That must count for something.
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