:: and this i know ::

Quite frankly, without the spam bots I would have completely forgotten about this site. Should I even call it a site given that I have not updated in years?

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To be honest, this was to be posted a week ago today. Life is such that I am only now getting around to writing this little bit of wordage.

Also to be honest, I have been busy. Very busy. In fact this past weekend was the first were I was not running around completely booked since mid-August. Some of it has been fun (no, most has been), some days filled with errands, others with obligations, which I am completely over.

Again in the honesty vain, I have become interested in just trying. Saying yes to invites if I have nothing planned – not due to interest, but due to keeping busy, seeing if there are things that I find myself introduced to that I do want to learn more about. This is not always the case, but why not let myself see if there is some new item that I must find out about.

Such is the case with Common Core. To my Mother’s dismay I have been bothering her for worksheets to introduce myself to the Common Core method of teaching that is taking place these days. She is horrified that the school she is working in has included it in their curriculum, as well as the fact that I have found myself curious enough to want to learn how to do math under their rules. I do not have a child under my guidance (for this, some are grateful), so learning the method is just for my own curiosity. I understand that many are not happy (e.g., my Mom, who works at an elementary school), but I find that I cannot make a solid pro / con argument until I learn more about the method, which is why I am bothering for worksheets to work from when I have the rare free moments.

Other things I would like to do with my free moments:
Catch up on my reading – unlike last year, I have completely lost interest in finishing anything more than a chapter in most of my books.
Reorganize the bookshelves – filled with books that I swear I will read one day.
Upload photos from a vacation taken in the Spring.
Clear out the DVR of programming to make room for other programs.
Actually write the post that I intended to post when I signed on to write an update.

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A week ago I found myself in a hole-in-the-wall “restaurant” near my home. “Restaurant” in quotations because I would not categorize it as such, but with food served, and tables available, I assume this is the best choice. I was picking up food for what was to be dinner for myself and my mother, who wanted something that they were in the process of bringing out from the kitchen. In other words, I had to step aside to wait so that I could complete my order.

During this time I heard other people in line ordering their meals, some on the phone confirming orders for people, some discussing which items they would get so that they could share. You see, the thing about this place is that they serve rather large portions, portions that are surprising given the amount that they charge for their food, portions that I usually have to spread across a couple of days to finish. From what I gathered, I am not the only one who does this as I overheard a woman in line commenting that she was trying to figure out what would make the best leftovers so she could have it the following day.

In general, people were keeping to themselves, speaking either on their phones (as mentioned above) or to the people with them in line. All except for one woman, likely in her 50s. She, rather rudely, was commenting on what people were being served. No, not in terms of “that looks good,” or “is there more of that dish,” but in terms of “are you planning on eating all of that?” Yes, to strangers, she was commenting that it was too much for people to eat, even commenting that “you should just order half of that.” Some looked uncomfortable, others, like the senior citizens in front of her, ignored her. Neither reaction caused her to stop.

I am unsure what could have been said in reply to her comments. I am unsure what prompted them, whether it be a mental issue, or, as I fear, plain rudeness. I do know that due to the small size of the establishment it was not difficult to hear the various plans of people wanting to either save part of their meal for another day, or to even share their meals with others (like I was planning). I also know that it was rude for her to comment as she did to strangers. It is not even a matter of respecting your elders, it would have been out of place for her to comment on this to the teenagers who were in line behind her – the same teenagers who were raising their eyebrows trying to figure out what was wrong with this woman.

Her order, for the record, was a quart size container. Given her comments I doubt she would ever find someone willing to share. After all, if she can speak to strangers in this manner, can you imaging how she would speak to friends?

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I have made a few friends of mine laugh when I have said that I was done with this year, especially considering that it is now technically the first day of the third month. However, it is true. I am just done.

I am not going to lie, I have had tough years before, ones where I have suffered huge loss, both emotionally and physically, but I knew, I knew that things would have to look up, get better. For some reason, there is so few moments of looking up these days that I just feel exhausted.

To begin:

In early January I find out that my car has been hit when I return to it after running a few errands. Luckily it is on the passenger side, however with no insurance information on the person who was driving, nor information on said driver (note, what note?), it is up to me to pay for the damages caused. Given the extent, I will have to come up with the deductible, or close to it if I do not report it to the insurance company. Of course if I do not report it and somehow manage to come up with the money, I will have to find another car to borrow to drive while the work is being done.

While at work I get the phone call that no one ever wants to receive. While I am unfortunately familiar with death, I was unfamiliar with it being caused to oneself. The last time I saw him was wonderful. Just an afternoon hanging out, the first one since his return from his stint in the Army. He was enlisted longer than any of us thought, mainly due to his succeeding at the job, rising through the ranks only to find himself lost when he got home. He surprised me with gifts, little things that he picked up during his travels overseas. When I expressed the shock that he thought of me, he made a face, saying that he brought back little things for his family. I have blood relatives that give me no consideration and yet here was someone that I knew thinking of me as family, who made a point through the years he was serving to reach out when he heard that things were not great, apologizing if his receiving news that was a bit old.

February began with saying goodbye at the funeral. It was beautiful, one that completely honored him, a chance for all that he touched to gather at the beach, some of us watching from afar as others went in the water for a paddle out in his honor.

The day after this was the discovery of the loss of a filling. No way is this equal to the loss of a life, but the pain and discomfort was something I had to live with for a few days as it was lost on a Sunday, with the dentist’s office being closed Monday and the dentist being at a conference on Tuesday. When I finally made it in on Wednesday I found that part of the reason why I was so miserable was due to my being wrong. I did not lose a filling, I lost two.

This was followed by a call from the dentist’s office. It seems that my insurance company was claiming that I no longer had a policy with them. After days of back and forth, I finally cleared time to be on hold with them for a few hours. It was then that I was told that due to clerical error, they neglected to transfer over my dental policy when they moved me to the new plan. Yes, I was placed in a new medical plan at the beginning of the year because of the 2014 health care reforms, a placement that was to transfer over everything, but . . . yeah. So I am to find time in a few weeks to be on hold again if they do not send me the new information and membership cards that they swore they would be sending. Then I can get in touch with the dentist’s office to let them know that they can re-bill for work done since they were going to cover any charges from the beginning of the year on.

In the middle of the go-between with the insurance company I found my car being hit again. This time I was there, and could easily obtain the information on the driver. How easily? I can take a few steps to her front door. You see, we have a rather long driveway that we share with the neighbors on the property. It seems that in her rush to bring the surprise birthday gifts that she had for her mother, one of my neighbors drove quickly down said driveway, right into my car that I was sitting in as I was about to leave for work. There was no damage done to my bumper, other than a white mark that I removed with one quick wipe of my hand. As for her new car? Crack in the hood that she has to repair.

Yesterday morning was spent at the dentist. Luckily I have been going there so long that they let me keep my cleaning check-up appointment, and will bill once I have the information on my new insurance plan. Also taking place yesterday? The tax drop-off appointment where I brought in my paperwork, forms and various receipts that the CPA will hopefully be able to decipher in a manner that will involve my getting some money back.

Last night was a time of rest for me, feeling at peace at last. A peace that was destroyed this morning with the news that while I was feeling relief at making it through the end of the month without another accident, without a headache, the World’s Best Pup was breathing his last breath.

Hudson, the one who kept me sane at work, who kept me company, who knew when I needed a bit of attention, a bit of love. Who forced me into taking breaks that I did not realize I needed, who wanted nothing more than to catch a tennis ball, eat and be a part of everything going on, was found to be suffering from internal bleeding. Cancer, with an expectation of living an additional 4 months if he survived not only the removal of his spleen, but also the chemo that he would have to have. For a Golden Retriever of 12-1/2 years, this was too much to expect him to survive. The tough decision had to be made, one that was actually the best for him, and the hardest for all that love him.

On top of it all? Next week will end at the funeral for the Mother of my Mom’s best friend. A friend that is more of a relative to me than all but one person on her side of my family.

This is not a cry for help, nor is it admitting depression. This is just my owning the fact that this is a really shitty year so far.

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For those suffering through the fires in Glendora, CA (or who have suffered others):

1.  Please feel free to break down.  If you do not want to do this in front of others, do it whenever you can find a private space.  Trust me, the release will be needed.

2.  People will surprise you.  There is no way my family and I could have made it through the days, weeks, months after the fire without the kindness of friends and family.  Seriously, I knew beforehand but this ordeal confirmed that I truly have the most amazing friends in the world – from those who gave a sympathetic ear to those who gave items to live.

3.  People will disappoint you.  It is shocking to realize that individuals who you assumed would be there to be understanding are just too full of themselves to consider what you are going through.  I actually had someone complain about my not adding her to a social network site.  This after losing everything that I owned except for what I took to work that day.  Sure, I will get right on finding a computer to add you because that is the most important thing to do instead of trying to salvage any part of my life that I can.

4.  The smell of smoke will haunt you for quite some time.  I still panic when I smell smoke coming in from an open window, even if it is merely due to someone smoking a cigarette nearby.

5.  In some circumstances, life will become B(efore)F(ire) and A(fter)F(ire). There will be moments where you find yourself unsure if you own certain things. People may assume that you are an idiot for not remembering if you own a book, for example, but seriously it becomes difficult to remember some of the items that were lost. When this happens, it is okay to be upset about what you have lost.

BONUS: Try to laugh whenever possible, and see any objects that you may find (photos, especially) as being a gift.

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Things learned in 2013:

1.  There are times that it sucks to be right.

2.  Some do not appreciate it when you stand up for yourself.

3.  Follow your gut instinct, even if you spend an hour or two beforehand debating every angle.

4.  It does improve one’s spirit to do spur of the moment things.

5.  While it is important to know your limits, it is equally important to know your possibilities.

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Things I was doing last Friday that caused me to not post a list:

1.  Memorizing Finnegans Wake.

2.  Performing my final for my mime class.

3.  Finally getting around to Spring Cleaning.

4.  Two words:  road trip!

5.  Finding out that Crocs are not as evil a footwear choice as I once thought they were.

The sad truth is, number 5 is not a lie.  I truly do know why Crocs exist.

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I spent this afternoon not tackling the pile of receipts beside my laptop as previously planned.

I knew that I had a few things that I wanted to accomplish during my last day off before the hellidays take over my life, things such as head to buy office supplies, take out trash, deal with recycling – all the things that one tries to postpone for as long as possible.  By the time I sat down with the remote in hand I figured that I had nothing else to use as an excuse, which lead to my turning on the TV and finally settling on the unexpected distraction of my day.  The distraction?  Why Did I Get Married?

While I am able to have the TV on as distraction as I find it easier to ignore than a podcast, finding myself sucked into a Tyler Perry movie was completely unexpected.  I actually sent a text to a friend of mine that read:

HELP!  I am sucked into this Tyler Perry movie!  Like to the point of wanting to know what is going to happen!

After finding out which movie I was enthralled with, I was informed by my friend (who I correctly guessed had seen the film due to Ms. Jackson’s role) that there is a sequel.  I admit to scoffing to myself, wondering why on earth I would care about a sequel.  Well guess what has been added to the good old Netflix queue?  Actually, guess what three release releases have been added?

Why Did I Get Married?:  Added to see what I missed as the version I watched today was a TV edit.

Why Did I Get Married Too?:  Yes, I am invested to the point of needing to know what is going on with the characters.  BTW: I need to be friends with the character “Angela.”

Why Did I Get Married?:  I was not aware that the first film was actually based on Tyler Perry’s play of the same name until I did the Netflix search of the same title.  It seems that there was a filmed staging that was released on DVD, a filmed version that now has a place in the queue.

As I write, the receipts sit beside me, as even they realize that they will go untouched for the rest of the day.

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Things I thought while standing in line at Toys R Us today:

1. Are people afraid to say no to their children and their “wish” lists?
2. Is there a law against opening additional registers?
3. What is so difficult about the concept of paying attention to the cashiers calling for the next person in line?
4. Why aren’t these kids in school?
5. I should have brought a book to read while in this line.

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5 thoughts I had in the tire shop this morning:

1. That smell better be from the work being done outside this waiting room.

2. Yes Old Man, I did see you pick up the business card with the twin females featured on the front.

3. Have these people ever thought of heat as a courtesy feature?

4. So it is not just doctors’ offices that specialize in out of date magazines.

5. That smell better not be in the car when I am finally able to leave.

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